Everyone has a life story made up of our unique journey through individual life lessons.
One of my biggest life lessons began through my yoga journey of personal transformation. Of all the various forms of fitness that I teach, yoga is my first love. It brings me freedom, peace of mind, clarity, and it empowers me to achieve my hearts desires. On my journey as a teacher, for what has now been 6 years, I have been searching for my own voice as an instructor. Your voice is your true way of being; it is what makes you unique and distinct as a yoga teacher. I’ve studied several yoga disciplines, including Baptiste, Tantra, Jivamukti, and Ashtanga and with all of my studies I have asked the question, “Who am I?” only to hear mostly silence in return. When I would repeatedly ask my Jivamukti teacher, Tai she would say, “Jai, just be Jai, and you will find your own way”. She has said this to me so many times. With each time, I was never clear on what that “way” was or how or where to find it until I got my homework assignment in our recent yoga teacher training session.
My assignment was to compose a 60 minutes class that included the following: emotion of the pose, a dharma talk using quotes from a book, pranayama, a chant, japa mala meditation, music, and a closing thought during savasana. Now, this is was lot for me not to mention writing dharma talks aren’t my strong suit, but I knew I needed to do it; I had to do it. Patanjali’s yoga sutra 1:1 begins with “Atha Yoganushasanam.” Atha means “now” a call to attention and urgency now in this very moment. In this sutra, Patanjali also tells us that it is possible for any of us to experience yoga and realize the truth if we are willing to look deep within ourselves. The Universe has something to share but you must be willing to uncover the magic of the Universe through our own personal journey by searching deep within. So, to continue my journey, I immediately started researching and soul searching hoping the Universe would speak to me. I begin with “nada,” a deep inner listening. And, one morning, just like magic, the Universe responded. God began to answer my question.
Although I had been on this spiritual quest asking a longtime and faithfully waiting for the Universe to tell me, I had not been listening with a deep inner listening. Ironically, the seed had been planted a few years ago, and I didn’t even know it. I taught a deep stretch class at my local YMCA and my students nicknamed my class “Fifty Shades of Jai.” We laughed about it being a yoga class where the students were tortured with straps and blocks; where they were stretched to their limits on their mats physically, mentally and emotionally. Now, I'm really laughing because, that was there several years ago where the answer to the question, “Who am I?” was revealed. At least it was revealed in part, since at this point, I had not actually read the book. Also, earlier in the day before I heard my answer, I had texted Tai to ask her what the emotion of my pose was. She had responded to me minutes later: “Freedom from Bondage.” She had never texted me back so quickly, another irony that led me to believe the answer to my question was being revealed. I knew I had chosen the right book for my spiritual journey and my assignment. I had never even had an interest in reading this book although I had chatted about it at work with a co-worker and had listened to her perspective on it. The next day, I asked my co-worker if I could borrow her copy of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” I was now interested in it. As I began to read it, I began my magical, spiritual journey that has brought me to a new place. It fully revealed the answer to my question just as I was about to begin a New Year, 2017.
I read in the middle of the night for a week and would awaken with a lot of powerful spiritual insight around 5 quotes from “Fifty Shades of Grey”. One morning, I quickly jotted down my thoughts and the 5 quotes sent them to Tai. She encouraged me by saying, “Jai keep developing your dharma; I love where it’s going”. This was further confirmation from the Universe that I was in the midst of a lesson along the journey that was revealing my purpose. Then, on my walk to work a week later after hearing the Universe respond, I knew the answer to the question, “Who am I”? I am Fifty Shades of Jai! I am a runner, a swimmer, a cyclist-a triathlete; I am a pole dancer and pole dance teacher; I am an Ashtangi yoga student and yoga teacher who’s background is 100% fitness. I believe in stretching my mind beyond my traditional limits and small thinking. I believe in moving into a bold, non-traditional, fearless and limitless way of being which I express through teaching yoga.
I am like Christian, the male protagonist in Fifty Shades of Grey. I like being physical and seek being adventurous. I am a dominant, a risk-taker. I am loyal and dedicated to the discipline of the process. My students are my submissives. My students, like Anastasia, the female protagonist in Fifty Shades of Grey understand my devotion and faithfulness to teaching them possibility through yoga. My Red Room is where I teach yoga with an amazing intense yoga flow of pleasure and pain is my playground. Much like Christian, I too was seduced into a life of power by a strong, handsome, dedicated and disciplined young man. In my case, he was my first personal trainer, Marcus McGruder. He taught me how to lead and motivate people. The toys in his “Red Room” were amazing as well. They were all state of the art “toys,” including boxing bags, ropes, tires, weights, pull-up bars, treadmills, and martial arts equipment. At 35 years old, I was the strongest I had ever been in my entire life and along with yoga, I practiced running, swimming and pole dancing routinely. Those first years of training with him only satiated my appetite for more and I began to focus more on yoga, which offered a spiritual connection for me. Luckily, I’ve had the good fortune to train with some of the most powerful teachers in the community, including Dylan Werner, Kino MacGregor, and Marlo Fisken. They are true beasts in their art, and I love the pain and pleasure I get from the work I do with them. I cherish all of the teachers in my life who have shaped who I am. Still to this day, Marcus McGruder, my first trainer and I are great friends. I love him and admire him as a teacher and leader.
Before I met any of these teachers and certainly before I found my voice, I was “Fifty Shades of Fucked Up.” God saw fit to use me and my passion as a yoga teacher! God is and has been the greatest teacher in my life. As I noted earlier, my journey is filled with my life lessons that have helped me to reach where I am today. I am not perfect nor have I lived a perfect life. Like most, I have things in my life that I do not openly want to share with anyone. I have been seduced or am susceptible to being seduced by anyone or anything–my car, career, lifestyle, electronics, hobbies, drugs, religious doctrine, shopping, sex, food . . . the list goes on and on and the reward is a sense of comfort that these vices provide when stressed. I have cuddled in bed with a pint of Haagen Dazs ice cream so I wouldn’t have to deal with life at the moment. However, this temporary moment of feeling good never relieved me from procrastination, avoidance, depression or my often self-induced chaos. It never brought me true happiness, that emotional state of well-being characterized by positive emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy. My life journey has been a search for this true happiness, and I have found freedom from bondage and unlocked my inner happiness through the practice and teaching of yoga.
No one in life is perfect and by no means am I perfect or have the answers to life’s mystery. I try to focus my life around the teachings of the Ashtanga Eight Limb Path. Ashtanga teaches practitioners the steps to living a life of higher intention and purpose. We learn how to take a look at the “self” or our ego to examine our own life choices and see our habits. Once we come to an understanding of our vices, we can concentrate on how to resolve and work through them to explored our own habits. Through practicing yoga, one learns a how to systematically train ourselves out of the inherent human weakness that makes us want to give our power away. I have begun to recognize the choices and vices I use that led to my bondage and now work through them.
Yoga sutra 1:2, Yogash Chitta Vritti Nirodah teaches, when we cease to identify with our thoughts then yoga can begin. Fifty Shades of Grey:“A man who acquires the ability to take full possession of his own mind may take possession of anything else he is justly entitled”. Christian developed vices at an early age. He was sexually abused at 15 by a friend of his adoptive family; she introduced him to an adult lifestyle but he used his vices to create his own sense of power. Instead of being a victim, he used them to gain strength, to become a successful businessman, and an opportunity to acquire whatever he desired. The magic started to unfold for me as I began taking full possession of my mind. I identified the essence of my own truth and intellect through practicing and teaching yoga. As a result, I began to escape the imprisonment of my vices. I begin to connect to infinite power, strength, unbound freedom and happiness, which is allowing me to pursue my career and success as a business woman.
In yoga the term Sam Skara are mental conformation or latent karmic tendency shaping one's present life. We all have the key to our own Red Room and are all “Fifty Shades of Fucked Up” which is working through our Sam Skaras. In Fifty Shades of Grey Christian told Anastasia he wanted/desired her. He wanted her naked and unashamed. She was to wait for him in “The Red Room” naked, on her knees with her hands on top, head bowed and eyes closed. She was to be ready to be received by him. God asks the same of us, to bow down and humble ourselves before Him. Naked and unashamed, naked in all of our sins. In a total state of vulnerability ready to submit and surrender to a higher way of being and living. Christian knew there was power over leading others in any fashion. Christian said “The growth and development of people is the highest calling of leadership”. As yoga practitioners we can chose to show compassion for others especially those who may not share our own views. A daily affirmation I work on is this simple prayer: Maitri Karuna Mudita Upeksana Sukha Dukha Punya Apunya Visayanam Bhavantah Chittaprasadanam. It means be happy for those who are happy, be compassionate for those who are unhappy, be delighted for those who are virtuous and indifferent to the wicked. If we just practiced this alone it is a life time of work. Not being in judgement and envy.
The beauty of unlocking our own “Red Room” is that God can meet us wherever we are in our mess and use us for service. We can work through the darkness to let go of vices and be transformed from bondage into freedom. When we find freedom, we are then able to see our true dreams, desires and purpose passionately. Christian told Anastasia “I want to chase the dawn with you.” Only a free mind, body and spirit can chase the dawn. Even though Christian tries to deny his feeling for Anastasia, he loves her. They were each other’s first loves. How can we come back to being our own first love. Loving ourselves first so we can be love for others.
My finally and favorite quote from the Fifty Shades of Grey: “You will not be not be able to see me or hear me but you’ll be able to feel me.” As a yogi I want to live a life awakened and connected to God. A Sadhana is someone who has a spiritual practice. A Sadhaka is also someone who is practices Sadhana. This is my personal walk with God on the yoga path. A servant in touch with her Atman Jnana, knowledge of the Divine soul within. Once we awaken to this connection nothing or no else comes first. After reading “Fifty Shades of Grey,” it gave me a new sense of awareness and passion sexually, mentally and spiritually. A desire to evoke love and passion willingly and be free to let go and experience my life in my “Red Room”-no shame, no guilt, no judgment just free. All “Fifty Shades of Jai”.
Each of us can make a conscious choice to have “Freedom from bondage.” The next time you start your yoga practice or the next time you feel curious in your life, ask yourself, "What am I bound to and in bondage of?" Ask, “How can I free myself from an ego that enslaves me to my vices?” Explore freedom of bondage composing your own symphony of passion, purpose, ease and vulnerability with a willingness to surrender to the process. The process of living a full life freely. A life free from the mental bondage of our mind and free to hear the symphony of our heart. Okay with life in the “now,” I know transformation can come from the process if I am willing to surrender and sign the contract. I don’t need to wonder who I am. I know that “I am”. God is my only Judge, Forgiver and Savior. I feel free to explore possibility. In this way, I have awakened my own inner genius. A genius is a person who displays exceptional, intellectual ability or originality, typically to a degree that is associated with the achievement of new advances in a domain of knowledge. Christian Grey was a genius in his own way too, crafting a life using others as instruments of pleasure. Mozart, Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, Mahler and Chopin you and me we’re all musical geniuses.
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